Phew… it’s been a very busy month and I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet here. As much as I try, I simply can’t do everything that I’d like! In November, I wrote a post about my fear of starting a project. I’ve had the materials sitting in my sewing room since July, but I always had an excuse to not start. They varied from wanting to complete one task or another first, to not having enough time without the girls, to not being sure where to start but it all came down to one simple thing, I was scared that the vision I had in my head wasn’t achievable. I was scared that it wouldn’t be “perfect.”
You see, a while ago, I fell in love with Bamboletta Dolls. The pureness and simplicity of them is what attracted me. I have this strong desire that my girls are able to maintain their innocence as long as possible. I wanted them to have one of these companions, but I struggled a little with the cost. I completely understand why they are priced the way they are and think the price is fair, but I simply couldn’t justify the $500 it would have cost for both my girls to have one. This is when Eric said I should make them myself. I researched it and found a book and supplies, so I ordered them. I read the book. I went shopping for “hair”. I thought about them all the time, but I kept stalling and playing the game of “what if”. “What if I can’t do this?”, “What if the girls don’t like them?”, “What if…” It was endless, but with Christmas looming, I was faced with the choice of getting it started or not having something under the tree for the girls.
When I finally got started, I struggled through a lot of it. I doubted myself so much. I researched tips on YouTube, trying to figure out the process. The first one I completed, was very cute…but the neck was really wobbly, so I worried that it wouldn’t stand up to being loved. Eric kept telling me she was fine and to stop worrying about it. I decided to finish up the second one before deciding what to do with the first one. When I had them both up to the point where they needed hair, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I’d created two very adorable dolls and I might actually be finished before Christmas Eve… but the more I thought about the wobbly neck, the more I thought that I wasn’t happy with it. So a week before Christmas I started a new one. The perfectionist in me won out.
After weeks of working into the wee hours trying to complete all my Christmas projects, I sat on Christmas Eve, holding back tears. I kept glancing at the clock, hoping that I would get them finished before the girls woke up. As I crawled into bed at 7:30 in the morning, with the dolls tucked under the tree, I was relieved, excited and exhausted. Half an hour later, the girls were up and I hadn’t even fallen asleep yet. The girls were very happy with their dolls… but I felt a small sense of disappointment. I’d had to push a lot of my ideas by the way side, like having matching pj’s made for the girls or Christmas dresses for the dolls to wear. I’d simply run out of time and this made me a little sad. It wasn’t as “perfect” as the dream I’d had in my head.
And in the last few days, I’ve come to be at peace with this. I know that I will have time in the coming weeks to sew matching pj’s and the girls can help me with it. It can be about building memories together, instead of me being holed up in a room by myself, working away. I know that what matters to them more than anything under the tree is time spent just being with Eric and I. This process has been a good reminder of some changes that I need to make. I need to let go of some expectations and of taking on too much. I need to find more balance.
And somewhere in this process… my Christmas cards will actually make it out of this box and into the mail 🙂