On Wednesday, I had to have some photographs taken of myself. I woke up that morning absolutely dreading it, and that night, when I was looking through some of the photographs Eric captured, I felt sad. I could make up all sorts of reasons why that won’t sound nearly as harsh as the reality… but I won’t. The cold hard truth is that I’m not happy with my weight right now. I’ve been so busy lately that I’ve neglected putting aside time to look after me. I haven’t been working out or sleeping well and my diet has been awful. I know exactly what I need to do to “fix” this and I’ve written up my plan… but in the meantime, I also know that I need to accept where I am right now.
You see, here’s the thing. I don’t want my girls to grow up “hating” their bodies. What they see when they look at me, is completely different than what I see right now. They don’t see the “squishy tummy” or the “love handles” or the “flabby arms”… they see a soft place to rest their heads, the person who gives them piggy back rides, and cooks them breakfast. They see arms that wrap them in hugs and hands that will tickle them until they can’t breathe because they are laughing so hard. They see love and happiness and someone who listens to them. They see me for the person that I am inside, not the outside part that houses all of that. I’m very careful about what I say about my looks in front of my girls, but what I say inside my head is pretty nasty at times. I don’t want my thoughts to colour their view. It’s simply not worth it. After all, I know that they will be bombarded with the world’s view of “beauty” soon enough.
So why am I sharing all of this with you?
Because if you’re anything like me, I think you need to hear it. I know that when I don’t feel good about myself, I avoid the camera. I avoid being in the moments with my girls, because I don’t want a record of what I look like right now. The thing is, my girls don’t care and by not being in the photo, I risk not leaving behind photographs that will remind them of the fun we had together. This is not something I’m willing to accept. I also know, that the next time I look at myself in the mirror or in a photograph, instead of picking apart what I need to “fix”, I’m going to look at myself through the eyes of my girls. I’m going to see me, for who I am on the inside, not the outside.
And because I think it’s important… here’s one of the photographs Eric captured of me on Wednesday.